Venkat Koduru’s Blog

Sometimes I wish this were an anonymous blog so I could say how I really feel… but then again, it means a lot more with a name behind it – standing at front, with a veil of confidence, taking credit for one’s own statement. So here it is, sans anonymity in purely general non-desrcript, and therefore, non-controversial print:

I’m sure a lot of people have had this feeling, but I often wonder why I do things… when 90% of what you do fails, why try?  When I’m in the shower thinking about this, I think about my goals – what I eventually, some day, in the distant future want to do with my life.  Someday I want to start a really big software company, live in Manhattan in a two-story apartment, and eat sushi everyday. But it’s like reaching for a star; these goals seem so distant at the moment, that they provide only brief relief.  And so instead, after that shower, I think in more grounded terms, and come up with a short-term objective that’s still quite unreal but at least POSSIBLE given my current circumstance… and then when I realize that the short-term goal is unattainable, the cycle is reborn – I look at the big picture, and when this proves evanescent, I envision some large, but short-term, thing that I really really want to accomplish (that short-term objective).  But the worst period is the time in-between realizing I can’t accomplish my short term goal, and picking a new one. That in-between period usually lasts a month or two, and it really sucks.  So, that’s the period I’m in right now.

After a brief re-read I realize that the whole last paragraph sounds way too sane, professional, and “together” – it’s merely a casual struggle to keep up motivation, or so it reads.  But such a take would be a superficial description of the true problem.  If I had embroidered it [the last paragraph] with story and anecdote, the true extent of the struggle and emotion would be apparent, but since this post is “Sans Anonymity” I can’t bare to share the gory details. So instead I’ll simply state (tell and not show) – that the matter above is one of a complex struggle for much more than motivation. Further, I’d rather not assess my state from a polished, indifferent manner, even though this is how it appears. This [the last paragraph] affects my life a lot.

That’s the problem with  ”Sans Anonymity”.